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I wasn't sure if you and your sister dyed your hair or not, in truth. Seeing you as a child I think confirmed it.

[guess who saw some fucked up memories!! from vi!! it's this guy.

this is a dead of the night kind of text, and it continues, unsure if she's even awake. tired but hey. what else is new for anyone.]

I had just started at the academy when the massacre at the bridge happened. The looks I got, you'd think I'd gone down there and murdered their precious enforcers myself.
That is all they mourned, you know. The very few enforcers that were hurt or lost. They didn't even make mention of how many from the undercity died on that bridge. I didn't know until I went back down for a visit weeks later.

Apologies. I doubt you need to hear more ways Piltover wronged you.

[seeing you as a child. that's what does it, what clues her in. it also gives her an idea of ...what he may have seen. she's not exactly panicking, because she's told him the worst of it even if that was trench's doing and not her own - she'd made her peace with that months ago, almost right after it happened. it had felt ...not good, but she felt better to be able to spill those feelings, the messy truth of it. it had felt a little good when he blamed her, too, even if that had been trench, too. n, she's not panicking, but there's something different when you have to see a thing for yourself. or ...experience it. and then she reads the rest of it and she thinks she knows exactly what he's seen.]

Maybe we just started real young.

[it's the start of a funny joke, but her voice breaks a little, and only a little - she's not crying, she's just ...a little lost in the haze of memories she'd stuffed down where nothing else dwells. she can't seem to pull all of them back up no matter how hard she tries.]

I'm not surprised. I wish I were, but...

...I'm sorry you got the shit end of the stick, too. For nothing. I mean, you weren't breaking into their penthouses and making shit go boom, you were in their terms [another dead-on impersonation of cassandra kiramman] "rising above it". It being the audacity and bad luck to be born a Trencher. And if they were honest? Probably "rising above your station", which is all a bunch of bullshit.

They're not better, they just have more. They've never had to fight each other for a meal, or watch people waste away like it's just another day. Sometimes I feel sorry for them, because most of them would probably turn on each other faster and worse than we ever could. And the good ones? They'd never see it coming.

It means something that you know, that you knew, that you'd take the time to tell me this.

You don't owe me an apology. I'm only taking it because you're stubborn, but you're undercity stubborn. You've walked in both worlds, and maybe you feel like you don't belong in either, or only one of them, or maybe I'm talking out of my ass. But to me you're "one of us", whatever that means to you.

You're a real one, Viktor.

[he wasn't sure sending the message was a good idea, even a moment after he sent it. he's forced to amend that when vi calls and starts speaking. there's the quiet whir of machinery in the background- who sleeps when they can be working in their lab? not viktor. coping is for chumps.

time to just listen though, maybe the occasional hum or soft sigh to punctuate statements. by the end his chest feels tight, running his still very much human hand over his face. he meant to send something as a comfort, a sense of solidarity between them, an attempt at saying i see the scope of your tragedy and i feel for you- yet she just suckerpunched him in a lot of complicated feelings right back.

it takes him a moment, voice tellingly thick when he says,] I thought- [he clears his throat. it helps a little.] I wanted to help. I wanted the resources to help. I thought the... the betrayal of it, the turning my back as so many would see it, I wanted to believe if I could bring something back, if I could help, have some... way of making things easier for the people who really suffered down there, perhaps it would be forgiven.

We wanted to, you know. Hextech could have- gods, it could have done wonders. Cleaned the water, cleaned the air, Vi! Imagine being able to walk the streets without tasting it in the back of your throat. But it was always one more thing to prove, one more project to finish, one more disappointment.

It was all for nothing, it feels like. Mistake after mistake. [a shuddering breath.] I saw more. I saw... Vander, the explosion. What you said to her, how you were taken away.

You were both so young. [and frankly? it breaks his heart. the kind of kids he wanted so badly to make a better world for.]

You suffered, too. It's written all over you, Viktor. It's in your blood, your bones. Was in your lungs before Pal got in there to help it fuck off. Trench didn't even decide to do that for you, you had to ...work for it.

Nothing comes easy for us, even the ones that manage to get out for a while.

I believe you.

And maybe I'm shit at being a hardass, because I don't see it as a betrayal if you were working towards---

---well, I guess it doesn't matter now. I ...don't think it was for nothing. There's something to be said for trying, for doing, even if it all gets fucked in the end. You didn't know how shit would play out.

[i saw vander. the explosion. that you said to her. how you were taken away. she doesn't know what to say once she hears that, and there's a long pause before she's able to summon up something. there's a tremor in her voice; it could be a laugh. it's not, but it could pass. and she'll try to pass it.]

Oh.

Like you said, mistake after mistake, right? [an even longer pause.] I was wrong to say what I said. It wasn't true.

You're more fair than I am. I suppose even I thought of it as a betrayal one way or the other. [give him a second, with a breath he refocuses, grateful but raw. typical trench shit, always making things raw one way or the other.]

I hope that is a matter you remember yourself. [that she didn't know how shit would play out, intent, etc.

especially given her tone when she talks about a certain mistake.] I know. Vi, all I saw was a teenager coping with an incredible amount of tragedy in a very short period of time. One who tried to walk away before she snapped again and immediately tried to go back.

[it's either raw or just weird. sometimes both. and that's what she gets a taste of back - her own words not exactly turned against her, but it's hard to argue that she can be the lone exception when it comes to judgment and ...punishment.]

I...

...I don't know. I guess that's true enough if you weren't Powder. "Silco thinks he made Jinx", she said, but then she told me who did. Three guesses who that is.

[he's right, but it's so hard on the inside of this - maybe it's a conversation she'll have to have with jinx one day. and maybe with powder, too.]

[a grimace because uh, yeah. can imagine. still he shakes his head.] Of course she did, she was the same- is the same, I suppose. A child trying to survive a seemingly impossible situation.

Does she like 'Jinx?' [this feels like a loaded question to him, but an important one.]

She says she does. She doesn't like to talk about Powder, and when she does it's like she's talking about ...someone else. Someone dead. It makes her feel weak, and probably a lot of other things I can't...

[oh, no, she can guess.]

...second fiddle. Maybe third. She likes the power. More than that I think she likes feeling like she's not a liability, even though sometimes she still feels like she is, but that's only the fucked up voices in her head. They're all full of shit, and most of the time, I think they lie.

[so it's deeply complicated. not even remotely surprising.]

And this business with the shimmer didn't help matters. Thank gods she wasn't a paleblood, we're prone to hallucinations. [jinx doesn't need more of those!]

I can hardly blame her, I suppose. Who wouldn't want to be a version of themselves that feels the most untouchable? Even if it's a flimsy barrier.

No, I think she lucked out on the blood if I'm honest. Even if she wears her emotions on her ...everything, now. It's not like she was that good at hiding them before.

I get it. I want that, too. I've always wanted that, but not as badly, I guess. And my head's full of shit sometimes, but less shit than she's got. It's hard to blame her when she can't always tell what's real.

You know, that's the second thing she said to me after all those years. First thing was my name, but she asked me if I was real. I thought it was just an expression, just surprise, overwhelm, I don't know. But no, that was her asking me literally if she could trust what she was seeing.

Maybe it's better now that you saw everything. Or ...whatever. Most of the things.

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