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You suffered, too. It's written all over you, Viktor. It's in your blood, your bones. Was in your lungs before Pal got in there to help it fuck off. Trench didn't even decide to do that for you, you had to ...work for it.

Nothing comes easy for us, even the ones that manage to get out for a while.

I believe you.

And maybe I'm shit at being a hardass, because I don't see it as a betrayal if you were working towards---

---well, I guess it doesn't matter now. I ...don't think it was for nothing. There's something to be said for trying, for doing, even if it all gets fucked in the end. You didn't know how shit would play out.

[i saw vander. the explosion. that you said to her. how you were taken away. she doesn't know what to say once she hears that, and there's a long pause before she's able to summon up something. there's a tremor in her voice; it could be a laugh. it's not, but it could pass. and she'll try to pass it.]

Oh.

Like you said, mistake after mistake, right? [an even longer pause.] I was wrong to say what I said. It wasn't true.

You're more fair than I am. I suppose even I thought of it as a betrayal one way or the other. [give him a second, with a breath he refocuses, grateful but raw. typical trench shit, always making things raw one way or the other.]

I hope that is a matter you remember yourself. [that she didn't know how shit would play out, intent, etc.

especially given her tone when she talks about a certain mistake.] I know. Vi, all I saw was a teenager coping with an incredible amount of tragedy in a very short period of time. One who tried to walk away before she snapped again and immediately tried to go back.

[it's either raw or just weird. sometimes both. and that's what she gets a taste of back - her own words not exactly turned against her, but it's hard to argue that she can be the lone exception when it comes to judgment and ...punishment.]

I...

...I don't know. I guess that's true enough if you weren't Powder. "Silco thinks he made Jinx", she said, but then she told me who did. Three guesses who that is.

[he's right, but it's so hard on the inside of this - maybe it's a conversation she'll have to have with jinx one day. and maybe with powder, too.]

[a grimace because uh, yeah. can imagine. still he shakes his head.] Of course she did, she was the same- is the same, I suppose. A child trying to survive a seemingly impossible situation.

Does she like 'Jinx?' [this feels like a loaded question to him, but an important one.]

She says she does. She doesn't like to talk about Powder, and when she does it's like she's talking about ...someone else. Someone dead. It makes her feel weak, and probably a lot of other things I can't...

[oh, no, she can guess.]

...second fiddle. Maybe third. She likes the power. More than that I think she likes feeling like she's not a liability, even though sometimes she still feels like she is, but that's only the fucked up voices in her head. They're all full of shit, and most of the time, I think they lie.

[so it's deeply complicated. not even remotely surprising.]

And this business with the shimmer didn't help matters. Thank gods she wasn't a paleblood, we're prone to hallucinations. [jinx doesn't need more of those!]

I can hardly blame her, I suppose. Who wouldn't want to be a version of themselves that feels the most untouchable? Even if it's a flimsy barrier.

No, I think she lucked out on the blood if I'm honest. Even if she wears her emotions on her ...everything, now. It's not like she was that good at hiding them before.

I get it. I want that, too. I've always wanted that, but not as badly, I guess. And my head's full of shit sometimes, but less shit than she's got. It's hard to blame her when she can't always tell what's real.

You know, that's the second thing she said to me after all those years. First thing was my name, but she asked me if I was real. I thought it was just an expression, just surprise, overwhelm, I don't know. But no, that was her asking me literally if she could trust what she was seeing.

Maybe it's better now that you saw everything. Or ...whatever. Most of the things.

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