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[it certainly hits her where it hurts, but not in the worst places. she still dreams about this sometimes - and though it's bad, at least she gets to see his face, gets to hear him say something to her when the life wasn't leaking out of him. (most times, it's a grateful kind of sadness. sometimes, though? she thinks i got him killed. i got benzo killed, too.]

vander

that's my old man
the one i remember the most anyway

he meant everything to me
well everything that wasnt my sister
or my crew
we meant everything to him

he shouldnt have done that
i shouldnt have been there
but he should have let them take me
they got me anyway right?

u didnt have to feel anything i hope

[like a shove into the room, or the beating of fists against a door, against a window.]

not really
sometimes u feel stuff but not always

[ It's a mixed bag what happens. He might have more context to what he was watching if he did, know what he was hearing. He only heard what she did, anyway -- it was her memories, but without the knowledge beyond the physical. Slamming into a door that wouldn't budge, the mumbling voices on the other side. ]

i could tell he was a cool guy
shit just happens. and that sucks

i dont think he would change his mind even if u did get caught
u dont seem the type either

[ That's family. That's crew. That's love.

Robby doubts he needs to say it, or that there's worth in doing so, but he does anyway. Look at him judging a guy he saw for about five minutes, or heard for that. But that's her old man, like she said.

Sometimes, even if the outcome hurts, you can admire the good in them. ]

[here she goes, digging into this and giving it what she feels like it deserves. it's no different than a memorial, is it? she takes her omni out onto the roof and sits, taking a leaf out of sansa's book and using voice dictation.]

He was the coolest. I told you he taught me to fight, but I never said much else. So.

He thought he was doing the right thing, taking the blame and turning himself in for some bullshit I started. I really kicked the nest, it really was all on me. I was ready to make it right, even if that meant going away for a long time. The difference was if I got away, nothing falls apart except my sister, I guess. But still, at least my last words to her would have been good and not the mess I made of that, too. Maybe they would have let me out in ten years. Probably not, but maybe I could have given them good behavior if I knew everyone else was safe, if I could have kept them that way.

Vander took me and Jinx in after our parents were killed in a revolt. He led that revolt, and he felt responsible, put his gauntlets away and stepped away from all that shit, stepped up to try and make a better life for us, and for the other kids he took in. Mylo, Claggor. Even Ekko. I couldn't see it at the time, but he did everything he did to try and keep the peace, to try and give us that better life in the only way that made sense. The only things holding the Undercity together were spit, a prayer and Vander. Yeah, it might have fallen apart later, but maybe not.

He tried to tell me about responsibility when all I wanted to do was riot, and so I listened. I made my peace and was ready to turn myself in, and then he figured it out. I was predictable, I guess, or maybe Powder [a slip up of a name she does not notice] said something. I know he did it because he loved me, because he loved us, but he shouldn't have done it, Robby.

I don't know how much you saw in that basement, but it was a bloodbath outside. I don't think it would have played out that way if they'd taken me instead. Benzo wouldn't have died, Vander wouldn't have been taken away, and Jinx would have known I didn't abandon her. None of what followed would have happened at all, chances are.

I wish I could do it over again. I ruined everything. He died because of what I did that night. Other people did, too.

They're on that mural I talked about.

[voice to text also doesn't result in an omni wet with tears. it provides two safeguards against typos as long as it's not glitching.]

[ It takes a moment to read that all. To read and digest, and Robby doesn't even question the change of punctuation for it.

Of course he can't understand, not really. Even with what Vi shares -- that was her life, not his. He can understand the feeling of being a fuckup, of everything going wrong around you, the things you wish could've gone differently, and the pointlessness of wishes that'll never come true. You get dealt a shitty hand, and it can come from love, concern, care -- and that's what you're left with.

You would've rather rotted than had that love. Even now, the kindness is hard to see with everything that followed suit. ]

life sucks. i get it. you sit and remember the place it could have gone different and you wouldn't have been the fuck up
i'm sorry you lost him and everyone. people make choices because they care about you and it blows up. i think about where my life changed and where it could have gone different too. but it didn't fall apart like it did for you

it just sucks

[ That's all that's left out of it, the decisions made, the way they accumulate.

Sometimes, life really does just suck. ]

I think about him, about them, all the time. I just keep it to myself a lot. Or I keep it short.

I think about what you said, where and how it could have gone different, but that never changes how it went.

You're right, it sucks. But there's good things I remember, too. Like how you told me about your small apartment? And then I talked about my tiny place? But if all I felt was bad, I wouldn't have gotten inked here. When I look at my tattoo, I think about the good, which is exactly what he'd want me to think about. They all would, except maybe Mylo, who'd want me to think of something funny he said, or cool that he did.

Sometimes it's just so much easier to remember the bad. I hate that.

It's weird, because I feel better than I thought I would have after saying it. Maybe that's part of why this is happening, or maybe it's because it's you, or maybe I just feel better. I don't know.

I'm glad you got to see him ...alive.

maybe next time we can get a better memory. they show up in books or whatever. i could see him again but with you. better than the other memories ive been stuck in

id like that if we got the chance and if you want to. maybe you can talk to me about him some time. you and him and your family. id like to hear it

youre a good person to me, vi. youve always been good to me

Maybe so. I'll drop that in the Trench suggestion box. If there's room left.

I'd like that, too. And I know I've said it before, but it's a two way street, and I'm a closed door as far as that goes, you say it, it stays with me unless you tell me otherwise.

I could say the same about you. I do, actually. You inspired me to create a motto for my house. Sansa gave me a fancy house name from her world, and named me a Lady, but one of my mottos is all you.

[...forming the ideas of a winter holiday gift just now.]

well make room. squeeze the fucker in

im cool talking about our families. to be honest ive told you most of mine. not really a lot there. a crew though? i missed out on having my own crew

and i did? what was it. fuck trench? i think someone came up with that before me
fuck not having shoes?
fuck trench part 2

Guess Trench needs a bigger box. maybe I can build that for them, free of charge.

You've got a crew here, though. You know it's true.

"STARTING SHIT TO STOP SHIT"
It's a great motto.

lmao i forgot about that
glad my time in juvie got somethin good out of it

speaking of crews
scorpia called us who went shopping something like awesome friends incorporated
but yeah. ur not bad to hang out with. thanks vi

Awesome Friends Incorporated
One more badge to put on my jacket, I guess. It's getting pretty full, but I'm not complaining.
No problem. I like hanging out with you, too.

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