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- don't know why I'm feeling this way.

[Jun looks down at something off-screen, probably his omen.]

Maybe this was a mistake. But... I want to make sure he's safe. And make sure she's safe, too.

... Don't give me that look. I know she can take care of herself. But I still need to protect her.

[He sighs and flops down out of sight, onto his bed.]

If I had Zearth here it would be easier. Even if I had to give my life again and again...

[There's the sound of shifting blankets, and then the video turns off.]

[she replays this a few times, trying to gain any insight on what he could have meant when he sent this. jun's not usually this open with his feelings without prompting, and sometimes even then (mostly even then) it's a lot of unsaid things, so this is very unexpected.

The he in this equasion could be manabu. it probably is, but she can't bet on it a hundred percent. and the her? well, she doesn't want to assume anything. she shouldn't assume - but a part of her (and that part's tightening her throat and her chest just now) gently nudges her toward considering, at least.

she hasn't dealt with a misfiring omni, so that doesn't occur to her. she knows jun, they see each other regularly, so ...he must have wanted her to see this? maybe it's trench and some new compulsion to reach out? maybe it's the bloodstones?

but that last statement? um. no. no.

when she replies it's from her room, a wall of open windows punctuated by paper stars behind her.]

Hey, Jun. It sounds like you're talking this through and maybe need a second opinion? What do you think's a mistake? Or ...what's making you think that?

You know nobody would want you to give your life, right? Nobody worth a shit, anyway. [she can see a pthumerian putting this thought in his head, though. or even a cultist.] Did somebody feed you that line of shit? 'Cause I'll break their jaw.

[He stares at the omni as it gets a message and tries to talk, but - the screen is glitching out. He sighs and squints at it before turning it off and sitting down. He doesn't like using his omen like this - it's freaky - but he kind of has to if his omni isn't working.]

I didn't turn my omni on. I don't know how it turned on.

... And I know that. But... I'd still do it to keep certain people safe.

[...oh. that's ...weird. and sigh. she doesn't want to intrude, but ...maybe it turned on for a reason. she'll let him make that call.]

Do you want to talk about it?

We don't have to. But we can? I want to be here for you, even if it's just weird silence or something.

You mean a lot to me.

You're important.

[there's more she could say, but she doesn't yet.]

... I don't know.

I just... um. I know I mean a lot to people. But I'm not...

I don't have powers like other people. I don't know how to use my blood powers. If someone had to sacrifice themselves...

... It'd make sense for it to be the person that's least useful.

What does useful even mean?

Let's say I was one step from corruption city, and some asshole that could fight tried to take me but couldn't. Maybe I was too strong, maybe she was just having an off day, whatever.

But then you ...talk me down. How's that not useful? How's that not more important?

I don't know shit about powers, but I can get with Manabu and we'll---

---we'll find you someone. Or you can just practice on me.

I... I don't know...

I just... I'm not strong. I'm trying, but I'm not. I'm -

[He sighs deeply and reaches forward, scratching his omen's ears. The 'camera' shakes a bit.]

No, I... I don't need to get him involved. I don't want to make him worry.

Pretty sure he signed up for the worry when he decided you lived there. That's kind of how that goes. But...

Like I said, you can practice on me. I've got a friend that does that, and he's managed not to squid me even though he totally could. Mostly it helps me get better at my shit and both of us to be a little less angry. Maybe just me. So let loose if you want. I can take it.

[and if she can't, that's on her.]

Trying's how you get strong. It's not all about ...fighting.

I know, I just... don't want him to worry more than he already does. He's got a lot on his shoulders.

I... don't want to hit you. I don't want to hurt you. You're already... hurting.

Told Jinx as mu -

[Wait. He didn't want to say that part...]

That's fair, but why should your shoulders get overburdened because of it? Share the load a little.

You're not gonna hurt me, not in the way that you think. I know what I can ha---

[is it s wince or a grin? it's both.]

Is it that obvious? Well. Most of us? We're all probably hurting in a bunch of ways. And some of us are stubborn and won't try to make it any easier on ourselves because...

[a shrug.]

...because we're idiots with fat heads.

Because I deserve it.

[The answer's automatic, the words just easily leaving his mouth. He can't take them back... but he can't say that it's wrong.]

Your head's not fat. Neither's mine.

[He sighs and the camera moves for a moment, his omen nuzzling him briefly.]

Some of us hurt others more than other people.

I could say I deserve everything I got, too. I...

[this is hard. because she feels as if she did. but. what does she say to everyone else?]

...didn't, though. I was a kid, and I was over my head. I couldn't have known what would happen.

[it's like pulling teeth. mostly, she just pretends she's talking about someone else.]

Sure, maybe? But I don't think that matters. It's not a contest, and there's always someone with a higher count. Then there's the whole part about the why. You get shit like "really good people making terrible choices for the greater good". Or "shitty people doing a good thing but for selfish reasons".

You say you deserve it, I say fuck that. I don't think you do. So one of us must have a fat head.

[He knew what would happen, though. He knew and it was all because of his own stupid actions that he had to fight like that.]

[She's right, it's not a contest. But the guilt still eats at him every day.]

I just... I know I should 'share the load', but I don't really know how. I've never been good at sharing.

[Is that a joke? Or is it reality? Maybe both.]

I've talked about my problems enough. People keep dragging it out of me, and then they're all horrified when they learn what happened. It's the same reaction all the time to the point where it's almost boring rather than frustrating.

I'm tired of talking about my problems. I want to do something about them. Besides talking.

[if not him it would have been someone else, right? right?? she'll never believe him to be the culprit, the villain, or at fault for this. that's someone else's bullshit to bear.]

Then you just try. And you do your best. Your best might suck compared to someone else's, so ...stop comparing. You know if you're trying or not. And if your hundred percent looks like someone else's fifty, that's not your problem.

We can't do shit about the past. But you're right. We can do shit about being here. Talking's good sometimes, but it's not a cure-all. I'm all for you getting stronger, whatever that means to you.

But I don't want anyone dying to protect me. Been there, done that, still have the nightmares. Still dealing with the fallout, even here.

... Yeah. I have those nightmares, too. Even if some of them didn't care about me, all of the others died to protect me.

[Well. Except one of them, who was a coward and tried to run. But that's a story for another time.]

I... I'm trying. I don't want to slow you down. I don't want to hold you back. If we're in a situation where you have to protect me I... want you to be able to focus on protecting yourself.

[He doesn't want to die for Vi. He doesn't want to die at all, but he did. He knows people come back here but... what if they don't? He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.]

I'm... starting karate. Not with that Johnny asshole, with the other guy. I want to be able to fight, not just run.

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11/6 [Video]

video: un: vi

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