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( she wants to hide her face more because goodness, when the blanket is pulled back, her eyes are crazy puffy and red/pink from crying so hard. and seeing her big sister there, it just makes her want to bawl all over again. but she is doing her damnest to keep it all buried; to act tough because jinx is strong, jinx is perfect. well, she doesn't feel neither strong or perfect, and she is so at loss on what to do next with her life. it's horrible, because for once... she feels like she's powder again. weak, hopeless, broken, and defenseless. she hates this feeling with a passion and wants it rip out of her -- then shoot it down until there's no trace of it.

but that feeling is latch onto her like a disgusting leech that she can't seem to shake off. and not knowing what else to do with herself, jinx dives herself into her sister's torso -- face shoving deep into her stomach in a desperate hold. )

Why do I keep ruining everything? — Why can't I stop jinxing things up? I-I just... I just wanted to make her happy. But I... I can't even do that right. I can't do anything right!

( and there she cries hard again; like a little kid that got bullied or lost her favorite toy down a sewer she will never get back. how embarrassing all of this is but she can't help herself. )

[vi's ready for the impact - the crushing despair primed her for that at least - but even as she wraps her arms around her crying sister as the shimmering tears press wetly into her shirt, as her hands go one to cup a shoulder and one to cradle the nape of a neck - blue hair spilling, words spilling, tears spilling. guilt. despair. guilt. despair. guilt. self loathing.

it almost tears a sob from her - the intensity of it instead cuts her words off into ragged beats of breath, before she's able to muster up her resolve and counter it.]

You're not! Y-you don't. You don't ruin everything, and I---

[wait wait wait. her. her. suspicions confirmed, but still...]

---that's not true. You can do a bunch of things right. This is about Chizuru? Why do you think she's---

---what happened?

( it's only natural for her sister wanting to know what happened. the only problem is how to explain it when she's choking up in sobs and heaving? jinx tugs a little from their embrace so vi can at least hear her somewhat clearly through her gasping cries. )

S-She...S-She came over 'cuz... 'cuz of some stuff I've said o-on the network. A-About the killing stuff that I've done. I got annoyed b-because I'm not doing those things now. And she w-wanted to know why I like hurting people and I...I just, I dunno. I just do? It's just... how I am now. It feels good to do it...

( — 'because you made me this way. you made me like hurting people.' is at the tip of her tongue but bites it back. )

Then she got—got upset even more and I tried to apologize and then I kinda said that I love her a-and then she... she looked so scared of me. I thought... — She said she felt safe with me so why did she... look at me like that? I thought I was helping her. I thought I was doing good. I only... wanted to help.

[that's the conundrum, isn't it? vi doesn't like hearing (or seeing) those comments either, but she'd gone all in on trying to accept it - accepting it, even. doesn't mean she has to like it.

love is messy, sometimes.

all the parts. warts and all.

(it's how i am now)

and despite any talk (and sometimes in some cases jinx is mostly all talk) her sister has made an effort - more than an effort. she's really pulled her shit together, and her shit? stretched far more thin and very slippery to get a grasp on compared to vi's shit.]

I-it sounds like maybe she panicked a little. You've been there, you know how hard it is to stop that ball once it rolls.

[just like she'd failed to stay her hand, stopper up her words and shut her mouth - and ...well, here we are. congratulations, violet. this is your mess. your circus. your monkeys. it's also her sister, and it's not like she blames jinx for any of it. jinx had been a kid, alone in a hungry world that chewed people up. so ...being raised by wolves? following the example of her elders? swallowing their bullshit hook, line and sinker? that's on them. (and it's on vi, too, in her own mind)

she lets jinx pull away as she needs - listens with concern, shaking her head a little and moving her hand to lift the girl's chin, the thought of that slap echoing - a thing that can't be undone, a bell that can't be unrung - a hungry, angry ghost of a memory that keeps her quiet a moment longer.]

You are doing good. You were trying to help, and that matters, okay? Are---

---are you sure she was afraid of you and not something else?

( if she is doing good and she was helping, then why doesn't it feel like it? why does it feel like she failed everyone around her? why does her chest ache so much and her heart is falling apart into million pieces? jinx tries to calm her breathing even when her grip on her sister is clingy and desperate. she knows vi won't walk out on her again, but the fear managed to slip through a crack to bubble itself up to the surface. because if chizuru is gone for good, vi will be next too, right?

the teen swallows the lump down in her already dry throat -- it screams for water but she'll ignore its cries for now. the lift of her chin, however, is something she didn't know she needed. it's a gentle and subtle thing, but jinx bathes practically into the affection that's being given. and it seems to be soothing her hysterical distress and her heart pounds slower yet still a little frantic. jinx listens, really listens to vi's words because she knows they are important. they are coming from a place of love and not... judgement. )

I...I... ( is she sure? the look she gave definitely appeared fearful and real. but her voices chimed in and she saw mylo, silco, and the monsters there too. so which was real and what was fiction?

her voice shrinks with so much uncertainty -- her eyes pink, large, puffy, and mixed with nerves. )

She... looked scared. There was no one else in the room 'sides us. So...

( what else could she had been afraid of beyond jinx? )

Edited 2023-04-04 04:27 (UTC)

What if she was afraid of saying the wrong thing? Or of makin' you upset, or of just having a fight in the first place?

Not everyone's like me, barreling in like a bull in a china shop. [she's thoughtful a moment, frowning - there are times she's second guessed her words, too. times she's had to choose them carefully. but vi's pretty good under pressure, and she doesn't know if chizuru is. she doesn't seem to be, but that's not always a good measure, lots of things seem one way only to turn out another. so...] Maybe she just clammed up.

[bring on all the desperation, all the cling - there's no judgment about that, here. if anything, it's filling a void that opened up many years ago by her own hand - a hand that's steady on her sister's face and trying so hard to be a comfort. she can feel the steadying spread through the bond of blood - attempt to slow the rapid fire of her sister's heartbeat, and she keeps her own breathing slow, measured, moving chakra to steady it even further. she means what she says even if it's speculation.]

You two should talk it out. Not this minute, but ...it's hard to guess what someone else is thinking when you can't read minds.

[a small smile]

Unless you're us, with the bond and the rings.

( the blessing and the curse of having a blood bond with her sister. she doesn't regret it, of course. it's just sometimes she wishes she could shield away what she is feeling -- to stuff it in a bag, tie it up to a brick, then let it sink to the bottom of the ocean. she can't do that with her sister attached, but that's the point of having this bond. the point is for the two of them to understand each other, to stop each other's craze mind (more her than vi), and to just... cool off.

but it gets embarrassing, sometimes. like right now, jinx will hate herself for showing this horrendous vulnerable side of her. some prodigy she cracked out to be -- letting herself get so worked up over a girl she's only dated for two months. and it's suppose to be a casual thing, nothing serious. and yet leave it to jinx to take this up a notch and make it serious. and for once, she is glad silco is not around to witness her behaving like this. she can almost hear him now: 'i've warned you, child. have you forgotten my lessons? i was preparing and protecting you from those who will deceive you. you're suppose to keep a watchful eye, not let yourself go blind.' )

( just the thought of those words make her want to hide in her hair in shame. and what an idiot move to use the "L" word. hello? casual, stupid. not... — her sister's breathing barges through her tornadic thoughts. it comes in like a wave but more like an easy breeze than rough crash of the ocean. and jinx allows it to flow through her; synchronizing with it immediately. her heart drums softer and her shivers are evaporating into cool air in her sister's room. )

( maybe chizuru did clamp up, maybe she never experienced being in an argument before or thought it couldn't happen in relationships. and somewhere deep in her twisted soul, jinx knows the two of them need to talk again -- to explain herself better. but the fear of saying something wrong again... or her "jinx" getting in the way again. the baby sister frowns and despite knowing vi is right, she buries her face back into her midriff. )

My eyes hurt...

( she mumbles into her sister's stomach; rubbing her wet face against her clothing. )

Edited 2023-04-10 05:13 (UTC)

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cw: trauma + being broken

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