faceblocks | deer country: inbox

ok even if u think its not gonna happen or w/e u are thinking about. im trying to tell u. that im fine. w/ u dating. if u want to...date.

(but then quickly types:)

BUT THERE'S SOME CONDITIONS. so dont start throwing victory punches at walls or the next face u see.

[give her a moment before she starts to treat this like the serious business it is and use speech to text.]

Okay. I respect that. I'm really surprised, but it's a cool kind of surprise. But you know I'd tell you anyway. I wouldn't just do it and wait for you to find out. That's not how any of this is going to work, you know?

Sure, I get it. It's been two whole minute and I haven't punched anyone or anything, so I think we're good.

Even if the guy I'd punch about it's gone.

[speech to text is sometimes an asshole, so where she lets out a sigh here, her omni just types: DRAMATIC SIGH. helpful.]

Are you gonna tell me the conditions?

well its just. ive been w/ chizuru for a month now and the feeling w/ her is... nice. and its been fun, too. we had a date at the party and im planning on taking her on another one soon. we've been chatting, some were deep talks, spending time, learning things about each other, all that stuff. and she calms me just like u calm me and some others. what im saying is all of this has been a good feeling and i DO want u happy. ive always wanted u happy. i like seeing u smile and laugh and feel good. so. u should feel this too. even tho u kinda do already w/ our bond but not coming thru me. like u should feel ur own feel good. stuff.

Edited 2023-02-02 04:38 (UTC)

BUT ANYWAY u bet there are conditions!!! 1. NO ENFORCER. EVER. u two can TALK. thats. fine. i get this place is...not huge like piltover or zaun so. u two MIGHT bump into each other. just not her. 2. person of interest has to be someone i know. it cant be some random johnny on the street or smth. if its some new person in trench and i dont know them, i need to meet them and see what theyre about. 3. how well i know them, the better. esp. if they are mutual friends. like sharon. shes my BFF now. so if u two want to be a thing, thats fine w/ me. shes already approved by me. 4. if i start feeling this whoever is WAY more important than me, im either going to end them or calling it over between us. u left me 3 times already. 4th one will be the final straw for me.

Edited 2023-02-02 04:39 (UTC)

1. We HAVE to talk. Not just because we accidentally bump into each other, but because we've got stuff to talk about. No, I won't go spilling your stuff to her or her stuff to you, but I'm keeping it 100% with you about MY stuff.

And in doing that, I gotta say I'm still trying to sort out my shit with her. She was the first friend I made since...

...well, let's just say I didn't make any friends in the slammer.

2. That fine. It would be weird to just have that happen and not introduce them, or talk to you about it. Unless it was some "I got possessed" bullshit, and that doesn't count. For anyone.

3. Also fine, also cool. I let Sharon know, by the way. But we're not into each other like that. If things change you'll be the first, no, she'll be the, wait actually that'll be me being the first to know, but whatever. Just trying to make a joke.

4. What if you start feeling that way and it's just the assholes in your head being assholes? Ending them probably won't end well. For anyone. I don't even see how that could happen, but maybe if you feel that way you talk to me and I end things with them before you pull the plug on you and me.

First time: I left you because I thought there was a chance I might die and I didn't want you to get caught in the crossfire. I didn't know what I was walking into other than it beat Vander, and killed Benzo and some big Enforcer. I shouldn't have let Mylor or Claggor come, either. I should have found Ekko and left you two together. I thought about that for seven years straight even in my sleep.

Second time: I hit you. I said shit I didn't mean. You can think whatever you want, and you can choose to believe that I meant it, but that doesn't make it true. It doesn't make it right, either. But I was so scared after I did that, that I'd do something else, that I'd lost my shit, that I'd gone fucking crazy and I just walked around the corner. Took a deep breath and got myself back together. Got up and then I saw Silco coming toward you. I started to make a break for it and then a hand was over my mouth, and everything went black. The last thing I heard was "He'll kill you if he hears you." And then it was prison.

Third time: Do you mean when Ekko kidnapped me? Or when we got separated on the bridge? You know I would have made it back to you, don't you? If you didn't know then why did you keep that flare? Why did you light it? You try to do anything to escape the bad feelings, so why would you put yourself through that if you thought I'd just leave. I wasn't going to ditch you, the only person I loved, the one person that I would have done anything to get back to ...for someone that I just met, no matter what they did to free me, or if they were my friend. You're FAMILY.

( give her a moment to read all that because it's a lot of words. she knows it's important to read every little thing, but... attention span. therefore, there's at least five minutes that passes until she says something. )

ok, correction. u left me 4 times. 1. dont want to think about it but u know 2. dont want to think about it but u know 3. u ran back and whined CAIITTLLYYYNNNN when u were SUPPOSE to come back to me. yes i was there. i saw it all. u and ur gross mushy hugs w/ her. goodbye hug, my ass. it was more than that, wasnt it? 4. on the bridge and u left me there go carry cait off like some prince so 4 times.

1. I said it already.
2. I said it already.
3. It WAS a goodbye hug. And I was coming back for your ass. You can't know I wasn't. That's bullshit. I have to take your word for stuff but you don't take mine? Calling bullshit on that.
4. I didn't carry her. And I would have come back to you. You're just real invested in believing I won't or wouldn't, because ...I don't know why. Maybe you think you're a lost cause, maybe it's the voices. I don't believe that, and I don't believe them.

b/c taking ur word for it means silcos been LYING to me. but taking his word for it means U've been lying to me and i dont want to choose. i dont want to figure out who did what b/c it hurts. i know im suppose to figure this shit out but i dont know what to believe w/ anything. with u, with him, with THEM and EVERYONE ELSE HERE. i i dont want to talk about this anymore.

Edited 2023-02-12 02:56 (UTC)

TOO BAD!

[is she shouting? whoops, text to speech just made that capslock.]

That's right and he DID lie about me. That doesn't mean everything out of his mouth was a lie. I hate saying that. I hate trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I said I'd do it for you and so here I am doing it. AGAIN.

I tried to tell you this back when I got corrupted from seeing inside your head, inside your memories, and I had to watch him lie to your face, to my face because I was you, and every time I try and tell you my side you dodge it like I dodge a punch. And I don't learn because I'm still getting hit in the face with the same old shit over and over again.

So maybe have Viktor whip up some truth serum? I'll take it. First up for that? Me. Because I'm done hiding shit, if I ever was even hiding shit. DONE. I told you this only works if we both try and it's no good if you stick your fingers in your ears every time I try and talk about this.

I WANT to help you figure it out. I want to help you feel better, not worse. I fucking LOVE YOU! But you're ready to just write me off as a liar because you don't want to hear the truth.

That sucks, because I guess we don't have anything to say to each other until we sort this out.

what? are u srs? we cant talk unless we talk about it? but so. right now? we have to talk about it?

I'm serious, Jinx. We don't have to talk now, if you're okay with waiting. I'm not okay with waiting, but I'll do it if that's what you really want. If waiting is somehow better. For you.

five mins. give me five mins to get smth to drink or have ur blood stones ready.

Okay. We can do this wherever you want.

my place. ill let mr.bananas let u in. ill meet u at my porch.

[it's the least she can do since she's forcing the issue, but she's let it go on and fester for too long as it is, and it's not doing either of them any favors. she understands more some of the hard calls that vander made when they were smaller, and that's ...it's sobering, and it hurts, but it's probably necessary.

she'll be there in five, no sooner than five. maybe six. or seven. better more time than less time.]

( and as promised, mr. bananas will let her inside her home and then hurries to sprint to his sleeper. the weather is a bit chilly to be out on this porch, but luckily, jinx has several fuzzy blankets ready to go for cuddling and warmth. on the table are the bloodstones, two glasses, wine, juice, and little snacks. scented candles are lit too -- the aroma of sweet lavender which fills the air thanks to the occasional breezes.

the sad thing though, there are no roses in her home unlike everyone else's. jinx has no roomies so she doesn't get blessed with them. but there are a few pedals that mr.bananas collected in a glass jar during his own outing. he did this so his sleeper wouldn't feel left out on the love. when vi sees her baby sister, she's already tucked in underneath the blanket with her legs prop up close to her chest. jinx is on her omni and by the sound of it, its seems like she's playing a game. spider solitaire, to be exact.)

Edited 2023-02-12 04:32 (UTC)

[she'll slide in, all softer footfalls and a slow pace to the porch, taking in the blankets, the scent of lavender drifting past as she sees the snacks, steps closer and pours herself a glass of ...juice before sitting down.

not for the first time, she's glad of the bloodstones - if anything, she wishes she'd had more of them made.

what she doesn't wish, is to make this any harder than it already is - but that's been some of the problem with her, hasn't it? she's gone soft, held back when she should have pushed. and in a way, it's a disservice to jinx, because every time she backs off? isn't that like saying that her sister can't handle it? maybe she can't. but ...it looks like she's trying. and vi's expression is both solemn and surprised and a sad smile tugs her lips before she clears her throat. clears the air.]

Hey.

( the sound of her sister approaching and clearing her throat, she breaks her attention from her game -- a light bite of her inner lower lip. )

Hey.

( she says this right back; no anger or fill with nerves. it's probably the bloodstone's doing. jinx saves her progress in the game and sets it beside her, but in her place, mr. bananas crawls up in his sleeper's lap and arms. and as usual whenever he gets like this, she holds him close almost like he is a small child of hers. he chirps to her while he relaxes and headbutts her into her chest; this encourages her to rock him gently and smoothing out his fur. )

— Didn't know if you wanted snacks. I know we sorta had dinner already...

[there's no easy way to start this, is there? vi's full of nerves, and jinx might be aware of them - the constant brush aside, the push beneath, everything vi tries to tamp them down, because this is go time. she's either ready or she isn't. and she knows deep down ...she is. she just has to be level about it. no yelling. no getting worked up over the small stuff. (small stuff? is any of this truly small?) this is big picture stuff. just tell the truth. she thinks as she watches the omen climb into her sister's embrace.]

If you're having snacks I'm having snacks. We're on your turf, so you get advantage. [is that how that goes?] What I mean is, you can go first. Say ...whatever. My ass stays planted here, no matter what.

What am I suppose to say? ( she asks almost defeated while bouncing her monkey still. jinx avoids looking at her sister and instead glances out to the open yard of the rookery and sky. )

... Everyone says this is my second shot in life. To start over and do good — ( the sibling stops again as she tries to find the right wording.)

I'm tryin' to have that, but I don't want things to repeat itself here. I'm tryin' to stop it before it happens. I want us to stay sisters and I don't want anything to get in-between that.

I don't want us to grow apart, so I'm trying really, really, really hard to accept things. But it gets hard. I try not to get upset with you seeing Sansa as your sister, trying not to get upset about Caitlyn. I want to trust you that you won't leave me, but it's hard.

( she falls quiet for a moment. )

Like I wanna trust Silco and that's hard. Especially when... he told me one thing and you're sayin' another. I want him here so I can ask him about it. Finally get all of this sorted so I can stop... thinking about it.

[maybe it's easier if she doesn't look jinx in the eye too - it certainly might be - she'd be unable to see any damage she'd inflicted, for one - but she's not about to spare herself that. she watches her sister thoughtfully, flicking her gaze away every now and then.]

I'm trying to stop it, too. We're on the same page with that. I'd rather lose an arm than lose you. That lose my shot, our shot ...at this.

It's my second shot, too. I messed a lot of shit up, and I'm not side-stepping that part. It only works if I own what I did, but I can only own that. You're the most important person in the world to me, this world, or home ...that part doesn't change. You've got people here you'd throw down for, and ...well, I've got room enough for my people. Sansa's got a whole family she feels that same way about. No pushing Robb or Arya out of the way for me. And sworn sister or not, all I did was add another chair to the table. It's a big table, and you've already got the seat of honor, y'know? Nobody's bumping my blood sister out of a slot.

I see you trying. Don't think for a moment I don't see you. That means more to me than I can ever say. If you need me to say it out loud, I can do that, too. I can say every day, "Just so you know, I'm still here. Not leaving you. Not going anywhere unless some Pthumerian decides it's my lucky day."

No matter how hard it gets, I'm not leaving you.

[she frowns before she speaks, the words themselves hard to force out - the perspective painful to take. but it's necessary, and it's something she'd yell at silco for not doing - so she'll leap into the grey area of defending him, of playing devil's advocate even if it hurts. most things worth anything hurt, right?]

Maybe he said what he did because he was afraid of losing you. Afraid you'd choose me over him, and it was out before he could stop it. Maybe it was just his assumption, and he doesn't even think he lied. Maybe he just thinks I could forget you because ...I dunno. Maybe he thinks Vander forgot him. Maybe he did, because what the hell do I know about anything?

[that's hard for her to think about: vander letting someone down. but he was no saint - he'd talked solemnly about making mistakes - he'd just never elaborated on them.]

( all throughout her sister's big emotional spill, she makes brief glances to her, to her omen (who is now asleep), and at the table in front of them. she is quiet to let her speak, of course, and although her gaze is all over the place, jinx is listening. in fact, she scoots closer inch by inch to her sibling until their arms meet into a bump. there's slight hesitation from her at first, but she carefully rests her head against vi's shoulder -- stroking the fur of her sleeping monkey with ease.

deep down, jinx knows vi cares very deeply for her. she can feel how high she has her in ranks. to anyone else, that should be enough. but jinx isn't like everyone else. despite all logic, her irrational fears and whispers try so desperately to convince her that vi's feelings are being fabricated in some way. as if vi, somehow, unlocked a way to mask her emotions through whatever technique she mastered -- like that day she tackled her down.

trench is filled with so many different people, magic users, potion sellers, and who knows what else. anyone could had taught her that ability or sold her something, right? or maybe it's possible through meditation? if not that, maybe vileblood has an extra ability jinx isn't aware of. it's not like jinx knows all the ins and out of every single blood type and what they can do. )

( regardless, she pushes back all of those wild possibilities to the far depths of her mind and focuses on her sister's words. her chilled cheek rubs along vi's arm as she looks out to the sky before them again. )

I won't leave you, either. ... Even if Silco comes back.

( because if silco is afraid of losing her over vi then it makes sense that her big sister has the same exact fear too, right? )

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cw: paranoia narration